Life after divorce could be a tough and complicated expertise to navigate. In this episode Dr. John and Dr. Morgan sat down with Marcus, a just lately divorced particular person who’s studying the right way to develop a brand new sense of self after his marriage ended. Marcus discusses his anxious attachment model and Dr. John and Dr. Morgan share some methods his attachment model could present up in his future relationships in addition to make solutions as to what Marcus can do throughout this time of self-discovery to be extra ready for his subsequent relationship.

Some of the takeaways from the episode embrace:

1. Use being single as a possibility for self-development

It is vital to permit your self transition time after a divorce. This reconstruction interval provides can offer you a possibility to get to know your self with out the sturdy voices and influences which have been current in your life.

For instance, in the event you’re popping out of a relationship with a associate who was essential or controlling, like Marcus described, you could want time to discover your personal ideas, preferences, and concepts.

Some exploratory questions embrace:

  • Who was I then and who do I need to develop into?
  • How do I need to method X, Y, and Z otherwise in my life?  In my relationships?
  • What provides me which means or function? How does this variation being out of my relationship? What can I do to deepen my sense of which means and function in life? 
  • What are issues I’ve wished to do, however felt like I couldn’t?

Answering these questions will help you create the two.0 model of your self and make the reconstruction a interval of productiveness and development!

2. Spend time imagining + planning your future relationships

This time is a chance to mirror in your previous relationships and what you need to do otherwise shifting ahead.

There are two areas of sample to think about:

  1. How do you present up in your relationships? 
  2. What sorts of companions do you usually select?

Luckily every space impacts the opposite.  When you begin to present up otherwise, you’ll inevitably entice various kinds of companions.

When you select otherwise varieties (hopefully more healthy) companions, you’ll find it simpler to indicate up otherwise in your relationship.

By placing within the work outdoors of a relationship, you’ll be able to stop the previous from repeating itself and actually outline the kind of particular person you’re on the lookout for.

Here are some key issues to recollect:

  • Partner choice is essential – determine what you’re on the lookout for. What are your deal breakers and what are some crimson flags you need to take note of subsequent time round?
  • Consider your boundaries. Where do you have a tendency to maneuver too shortly and how are you going to create a plan to decelerate your tempo?
  • Brainstorm what sort of a relationship you need earlier than you soar in? Plans are a lot simpler to develop earlier than you’ve gotten emotions of affection, attraction, and attachment.

3. Your attachment model can illuminate wanted areas of private development

Identifying your attachment model can present empowering perception that may assist you perceive extra clearly the way you present up in your relationships.

An anxious attachment model are likely to rely closely on others once they really feel anxious.  They have a tendency to hunt reassurance that “we’re ok”…”that you just nonetheless love me”…”that you’re nonetheless discover me engaging” greater than different attachment kinds.

This common “checking in” can develop into annoying, at finest, and even debilitating to a relationship. For an anxious attachment model, studying the right way to self-soothe vs. soothe by means of your associate turns into a necessary talent.

Self-soothing methods and suggestions are only a quick Google away, however think about using your time outdoors of a relationship to experiment with what you discover helps if you really feel anxious.  Consider experimenting with completely different methods and advantageous tuning this talent earlier than you get into your subsequent relationship.

What else is there?

To study extra, take heed to the complete episode.

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